Saturday, June 12, 2010

Cleanup on aisle five.

I'm not one to complain - especially on this blog! I can't stand consistently whiny posts, because really? Life is awesome. But once in a while...

It really turns into a comedy of errors.

Two weeks ago I got sick, my sinuses were clogged, I couldn't lay down or sleep without my noseholes instantly clogging up with goo. There's nothing worse than not being able to breathe through my nose at night, at least for me! Because I'll inadvertently wake up in a pile of my own drool. Gaaaaaaaak. Barf. Anywho, I took some medicine, and I got better! (Huzzah!)

Then, last weekend, my sinuses got extremely dry. I woke up to minor nosebleeds a few days in a row, my eyes were itchy and dry and I felt like one of those allergy-prone dogs who was constantly rubbing their faces on the ground. No worries, I crammed some Vaseline up my nose and got some moisturizing eye drops. And I got better! (Huzzah!)

Wednesday I awoke to the loudest ringing in my left ear I'd ever had! WOWZA! That combined with a little sinus pressure made for a kinda crappy day, but by the end of the day it had subsided to a dull roar and I felt better.

But it's still here.

Ringing. (Lowly, at least.)

Do you know what people like me do when something is wrong with us? Yup, we hit the internet. Then, after reading all the viable information we can, we start creating our wills and bucket lists because surely we are in mortal peril! I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, or at least I used to be a lot worse.

And while I read that this ringing (otherwise called its medical fancy name of 'tinnitus') surely isn't life threatening in the least, I read that some people? Have been suffering with this for more than TEN YEARS. Are you SERIOUS?! No, really, after a year give me the gun and my will's on the table. Because while it's really not bothering me (minus a very vague amount of sinus pressure now and again) it can really get ANNOYING. If I had to live with this for more than a month you'd see me running down the street, shrieking like a banshee and waving my arms, foaming at the mouth and wearing a plastic tablecloth from the dollar store.

I scoured the internet for home remedies. Thus far I've tried the following:

Rinsing my ear with saline solution.
Applying drops of olive oil to my ear.
Making an olive oil earplug.
And some kind of wackadoodle treatment consisting of laying my hands flat on my head and whack-whack-whacking the back of my skull with my index fingers. (I think the guy who created this is a crock, and I think he wrote all the 'amazing' testimonials on his website as well.)

Don't worry, I'm not crazy enough to put a bunch of strange materials in my ear, outside of what I can find in the kitchen. Some people have used a neti pot and had results with it, but the mere thought of pouring saltwater up one nosehole and having it come out the other nosehole is enough to make me reach for that plastic tablecloth. (BLAR.) Go to the doctor? HAH! Unemployed and without insurance, I'll be likely planning for my next bankruptcy. I'll wait until aliens crawl out of my ear, thanks.

I'm somewhat thankful for the constant World Cup on the TV, because the horns in the crowd that sound like angry bees drown out my earnoise. It really only bothers me when I'm idle or it's quiet; otherwise if I busy myself or hang out in a mildly noisy area it isn't noticeable.

But it's there.

And my eyes are not only dry but goopy-watery in the morning. Cool.

And I have reflux because my IBS has been acting up (oh yeah, I have IBS) and I've felt like the Hindenburg for the most of the week. (Pre-kaboom, mind you.)

And due to a silly little seemingly innocent joke on my part, I can no longer watch a team stand for its World Cup anthem without thinking of this:

And so I've been stopping randomly during the day, to belt out, "I like to push the pram-a-loooooottttt...."

It makes me feel a little bit better! But still, where's my tablecloth. I'm going to wrap myself like a burrito in it until I get well again! Auuugghhh....

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