Saturday, July 18, 2009

Day 8 of 16 - Please don't wear these to the beach!

This post is going to definitely be a PSA. Pay attention!

In walking on the beach yesterday, I saw some things I really shouldn't have seen. People crammed into bathing suits they should not be. It happens a liiiiittle more often than you would think, and it's not just the 700 pound belugas that do it, either.

So below are my absolute least favorite bathing suits to see on the beach. Yes, I've seen them all, and the only place they really look great is on the models!

Exhibit A

I don't know who's bright idea this little number was. Yes, we're in a recession - are you trying to save on fabric costs? Going a little "recessionista"? No one needs to wear this. And the one I saw was a lot more lower cut in the front, too. The only reason it probably stays exactly in place on the model is by duct tape, I'm sure. I was delighted enough to witness a prettty darn mammoth woman in a white version of something pretty much like this suit lumbering down the beach like a ghost with leprosy. Not cool!!!! I don't know about y'all, but I'd be constantly worrying about those little strappy cutouts of "suit" moving and showing my hoohaa bits to everyone. Not to mention the messed up tan lines... no. Just no. You don't need to be a unique snowflake and wear this atrocity!

Exhibit B

Another cutout atrocity. Anything that flattens the puppies to look like a pair of chicken cutlets needs to be throw out, STAT!! I know I have the "cutout" suit already as Exhibit A, but the "Holy Shit I Need To Take 3857 Xanax" expression on this girl's face was too much to pass up, too. She's probably worried about the puppies. Also, no one wears pearls to the beach. They'll get caught in the surf and you'll wind up strangling your little air head.

Exhibit C

This ain't your grandma's crochet!! Crochet bikinis are apparently totally in, because a) hipsters love them because they're like cool and unique but not like celebrity unique, that different kind of unique, you know, b) hippies love them because they can make them while smoking hash, and c) diy people love them because, like, why buy one when you can make one yourself for 15 bucks? YIKES. This is wrong in so many ways. Now, to be fair, the only experience I have with crochet is seeing some crochet plant holders my mom made in the 70's housing our hanging plants, but wouldn't that get a little... uhm, heavy, when wet? Isn't it a little heavy when it's -not- wet? Itchy??? The wide selection of crochet g-strings made my head boggle -- I don't want THAT up THERE! Not to mention, the alarming amount of tiny little holes. Lots of tiny, see through holes. ..... Hmm. Tan line also = faking a smallpox epidemic. NEXT!

Exhibit D

Ah yes, the halter-bandeau. This isn't really as scandalous. But a lot of people should NOT wear the halter-bandeau. Pretty much the only way you should wear one is if your BMI is EXACTLY where it should be, no lesser (because if you're too skinny you'll look like a stegosaurus - wicked skinny/underweight people seem to looove this bathing suit) and no more (mm, muffins...) and the puppies need to be NATURALLY PERKY. This is a big one. SO many times I have seen women with older puppies that are kind of akin to putting an orange in a tube sock, and they try to wear this bathing suit... does absolutely nothing for them. The halter--bandeau has NO support, therefore your orange-in-a-sock puppies are going to be all floppity in the sea breeze. Personally, I don't find this type of suit flattering at all, unless you fall into that 1% of perfectly body weighted people with possibly fake puppies. Otherwise, just stick to the underwires!

And lastly, I was going to post this absolutely atrocious picture of this Brazilian-esque bikini I had found while bathing suit shopping a while back -- it was pretty much ripped up pieces of white fabric strung together in a "native" look with beads hanging off the ass, but alas, I couldn't find it. One can only imagine.

That's all I've got for today. Is it sad that while I was walking the beach yesterday, I was thinking this post out? Ayiyi...

I guess the moral of my story is, unless you're going to some REALLY exotic port of call, just leave this crap on the rack. Bikinis, one pieces, even the tankini, all of these are just fine choices for the beach. You really won't be impressing anyone with your "designer flair", and you'll probably be much more comfortable too!


Susan said...

Hahahaha! You certainly have a way with words. You 'bust' my smile wide open.

I agree with your analogy -- there are bathing suits some people just shouldn't wear. :)

You described me to a T with, " puppies" except mine could fill a tube sock! :) Too bad there isn't a designer to create bathing suits of the 'normal' woman.

I guess one has to be a model to fit into today's suits. I think I'll stick to my potato sack. Hahaha

Thanks for the morning smiles and visuals! A great read today, as always!

Gina said...

This post had me cracking up! You have a way with words (especially when describing Exhibit B). And I completely agree with your reasoning - some suits just aren't meant to be worn by some women, and some not at all!

ladytruth said...

Exhibit C with the tiny holes and the smallpox epidemic comment made me laugh uncontrollably! We once took a picture of a lady looking kind of like a hippopotamus wearing a thong at the beach. I never wear thongs anymore. Not even in the privacy of my own back yard. They scare me.

Love your blog! Thanks for the comic relief ;)

Mr. Condescending said...

lol you probably should have put up some flabbier model pictures, that would be even more realistic!

lol great post though.

btw I tagged you for something if you are up for it!